[my] Dear Drama School(,) / letters to myshelf / Dec.16.06

a work in progress; many stops do not follow

this one tolerable and tossedou(b)ttime of soapbox spent and redactedrent /retroactive\ and variable in heroine(edof)help and handsheld scalp me.    shit
i didnt mean it.

. crease ina forehead.conjuring image with words.organs of space between tiles
 . draining dimensions of smoke lost to the elevation ,what careful kind of   
     patterns have we etched airborne in burnt or’nge anonymity.

- ? needed?     

youngwhippersnapper fashionably fastened _im trapped in the digital
age made magical by hearing aids and casually backpacking burglary
through emptying_spawned_menacing and lopped-off pawn shops moving
-full.stop-on up, pops.

scrounging computer parts and rummaging through riddle worth bridge work

[this is a never ending black mark in my heart]  

waving white flags

welsh or wealthy, i’m whipped into submissions by scorn and softer sororities (fuck the sorrowful sand dollars!) i steal the landlocked and lost love coffee shops whose the closing time closet timing King Me! may she never forgive me.

  :  :  :

something even the most venerable of us all could not avoid, this one thing i cant get out of my head (you see how the rain obscures lane markings?) our least favorite mismatch pedestrians jump between wiper blades and past ponchos (precariously, we nudged and nodded at one another) let us lean forward i scream stumbling awkward arrogances (you call that stamina?) mumbling addresses and cell phones fumbling for heartache hidden in grammar school mattresses like holidays and trash stains all come together and the ending bent in breeding stretched my breathing across an eden misleading myshelfishness locked and boxed in (i put the abs in absolute).

  :  :  :

here i am angels, again no stabs in half all swallowed up in bear traps and throat grabs the puddle’s collapsed in all warnings vanished or wrapped in ice caps, horror and finesse forever.

(un)certain last[ing] moments

and all at once we spotted that nothing so sudden could occur.

there was a thorough and terrifying moment in the making, you warned me.

lets drink in schematic invalid valises, i thought, and satisfaction.

she rose, when the rains slowed, a rough draft in doubt.

like lightening rods and airplanes, we flirted with the space between ourselves.

a gesture; a secret; what i overheard that night through the crowd.

you seem like a broken lost&found jukebox; its all my fault.

hope in this eternal sunshine california, so don’t worry.

broken neck fairy tales for a jonathon stand-in: a band i never liked.

canceled subscriptions around daybreak departures.
who’s choice to do the Right Thing?

watch out for counter space watchtowers when the wishbone keeps bending.

im a rose bush that needs trimming, over grown and welcoming the blade.

attempting illiteracy as safety nets

this time:

the sky
is
the sky
\
  and the limit

is the
        limit

, , ,

ihatemyshelves-blahday; blah

my rothko thieving machismo

the subject

    ”Happy,” I muttered, trying to pin the word down. But it is one of those words, like Love, that I have never quite understood. Most people who deal in words don’t have much faith in them and I am no exception—especially the big ones like Happy and Love and Honest and Strong. They are too elusive and far too relative when you compare them to sharp, mean little words like Punk and Cheap and Phony. I feel at home with these, because they’re scrawny and easy to pin, but the big ones are tough and it takes either a priest or a fool to use them with any confidence.
    I was not ready to put any labels on Chenault, so I tried to change the subject.

The Rum Diary
- Hunter S. Thompson

additive

don’t[do not] hand us off to twistingvines or milkmaids in manicuredvernacular

i’ll only listen to exit signs FromNoWon
& maybe mountaintop speed limits(but once!)

dream of jerry-rigged checklists
and cave-ins everet[e|u]rnal

and always

thebe fore andafter (in3parts)

unmistakable & ample uncertainty. aren’t we
stood up across terrible tavern causality this moonlight
& sweaty palms or posterity is our fortune & forever(’s) a stop sign
morality .mixed up our thoughts as broken billboardsand taxi cabs crept into

dreams and nestled in pillow cases

im the fold out couch to yr wretched shower curtain carousel
lets drown the night in daylight & forgive the fast talking torch carriers

&all forced in

sight

 
: : :   : : :
 

stretch me, unbroken
across fire hydrants & steam baths

we’ll awaken to alarm bells and voice mails
you chandelier & chivalry in sacred sorrow:a stroke of genius!
likening to shadows andcity breeze windows

yr the sound of saintly smiles & sacrifice
or burnt candles & emptied glass cuneiform casualties

 
: : :   : : :
 

boredom’s our broken backed risk taker (im slavery
&clenched! fists. and these raindrops keep falling on my head

like whispers
for eventual endless stamina

Render Me Useless & ravage my body like we’re how old? again)

 

where’s our grasshoppers & irrational rapture like urges to elsewheres
& inevitable pastures
Listen

im a fortune cookie romance novel & the plot never thickens
i believe in sitcomsabotage & sharpturnsonhighways

(how? could you not know)

be.sides;
  this isnt our fight like divideandconquer or ‘just can’t deliver’
(i fucking hear you!)

these reasons

“There was one chance left. If he could see, through his shroud, that she was still there, at her post, waiting for him. And if, in his turn, he thought he should display a last act of kindness, and signal to her. One chance that he should remember that time was passing while she was waiting uncomfortably, on this balcony, where perhaps she would stay until dawn. One chance that, because of her, he should step for a short instant out of the artlessness of despair, that he should remember certain general principles of human behavior, of war, of flight, of hatred. That he should remember the pale red dawn moving over his land; the ordinary reasons for living, in the long run, until the end, even when these reasons have disappeared.”

10:30 on a Summer Night
- Marguerite Duras

gotta hand it to us

getting used to(o)

safety and stillness:
seventyfive years and another analog dream.

dont we know?
this daredevil darkened room, or
standing on curbside tabletop barstools:
        the end isnt near.

well-fed desires period -> (.)
got it?
thatthat fence Is a threat and no one can tell us not to climb or crawl under
              anything

its Already Happening [exclamation point] i hear you, and cant reply. NOw!

againnow,Insert:
“i’m a beat-poet anthology, doo doot doo doot backslash fuckyoui
wantto be everything!” after ‘hat?’ below

&like another godhead,
or
a vague simile broken and overused,
clunk clunk, pause … wait a minute, what?

bring me thatcaution tape, you brute. theres st
ill more to forget and our heirl
ooms cant take all this backandforth - so there
s the skinny(againwiththesereference
s) on that one, and it takes one to
know one, hardy har/smiley face

remember st paul? {again-haha good one,nope.}
imeant cockroaches in hostels, yes’now we’re cooking,
this [postapologetic]kaleidoscope of basement billiards and
everyboyz baited belligerence. so many do-overs.

so many do-overs.

-
ah.a purpose becoming clear with the passing of each phrase-
im getting there, we repeat in unison.
we’re always hiding among[st] lay-overs
[&secretexlovers]
and staring at time tables. Insert: “where are[n’t] we going; ?” after ‘am.’ above

so what does that leave? always the inquisition,
for certain_notnotnothing. sometimes:
i feel only the spaces in the space between us_
then to myself: if its only space, how tough can it really be:
thats a question.

what do i think this is, timetraveling? yeS.

slow down for some brief thought abt keys to an apartment, everyone.

 

 

 

 

  -     ready now, moving on.

thenan ellipsis, elephant ears and ergonomics.
the year is for record books, but
its written that way in every pamphlet and paragraph, paralyze me!

and thats an answer

infinite f word

the time is:

oftennownotnevernotnow

yet,fortune;

anyeverythingnonebutdeserving

. . .

straP this on and tell your story[ies]
like the timid tearjerking fall leaves
and inkstains, yay(?)

we’re stacking up boxes
and
packed dreamsin foxholes,
here.
leanEd:in:against downtowns
and
traffiked|blocked views,
lets learn to fly.
(had enough     yet? me too.)

. . .

a similar quiet library/did you get that?/
seen it
sPelled out in freedoms and how many
last-
second chances do we have

theres that scavenged red scrabble sack toss twentysomething out now
i’m burning bar stools tomorrow with afire and familiar’s favorite frosting,

anyone care for a dance?

. . .

rePlace the starter, make sense:?:
that crafty careless caress, parking{a}lot in somE stranger’s forgiveness
how laRge an arc we’ve found this time and the end just keeps slipping off the

page

this jewelry is our tombstone

foroneandall
we’re all pretty sure this was the dream last night are you the ticky tick clock or inflatable pool i think lets vote for open fields and motorcycle engines warm beer and another other groundhog day
who knew abt missed sunsets and phone calls; this jewelry is our tombstone/?

no erasable ink just crossed out words and the blanks i didnt fill
now its all butterflies and test flights whisker baskets and dead mice, nice.

a book report, of sorts


Lately, and once again, I have been ridiculously obsessed with the writings of Jean Genet. And although I don’t want to get into the habit of name-dropping too much around here, this is one of those times we shall succumb to passing along a bit of it, and why not?

 

I do not know what I felt at the moment, but today all I need do is summon up the vision of Stilitano for my distress to appear at once in the relationship of a cruel bird to its victim.

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