.waiting line theory.

P. S. Burton

A New Birth & Some Tears

Rising from the ashes of sin
In brazen embers left all actions.
Searching for forgiveness. So much
To forgive, so much. No time
For tears, yet miles to go still.

To My Brothers -

I'm deeply and regretfully sorry.
I'm in pain, a deep desert of pain.
Everyday not seeing you, not hearing
You, not knowing makes me ashamed
To be called brother. Seeing you happy when
I step through those doors, to see that
Joy, I become overwhelmed, I'm sorry for the
Thirteen years I've been away.

To My Mother -

Eighteen years. Day-by-Day we go
Not talking, not loving, not responding
To each other longings for a conversation.
My mother I've grown without you.
Without you, their for stories or nurture.
This is my entire fault. Casting you away
On the island and leaving you
For death's hands grasps. Cursing your name.
All to make myself a little less human.

I pray for forgiveness. I'm no longer a child.
No longer am I in need of a parent. But,
A friend, a wise and consoling feminine voice
To lull me through the passage of time, I am
In need of that person.

I am sorry for all the tears spent. All the
Lonely and sick nights of pain. I'm sorry
For casting you away, for deforming my
Body so I wouldn't look like you and
For cursing the mirror for giving me
Memories of your juvenile countenance.

To Quinn -

I'm searching for words, that aren't
Living to tell you how I feel. I'm working
Through the motions and actions to convey
How much you mean to me. Yet, there are still
Sores across me that you've inflicted, for so
Many years I have worn them on my body being
Infected by every new person I touch. But now
There starting to mend and I've started to forgive
You and myself. For the most part the journey to
Recovery has been long but knowing and believing
In that hope you give me, teaches me that
There is still a place to call home. I love you
More than all my lovers.

To My Grandparents -

You have been the crew and captain to the
Vessel of my journey. Together we have found
New meaning to the world and to our love.
We have lost and we have found. We have
Even created, but now it's time, you've given
Me so many tools; and I'm thankful...yet it's
Time for me to build my own boat and sail
The rough terrain of my emotions alone.

To Lovers Yet to Come -

Today is birth. To you who don't know
Me. The sins of my past I've forgotten
And have laid down my soul in penance
For them. To you my lover yet to come.
I will love, and I will love hard and strong,
I won't curse the ground in our departing
I'll move on quietly. I'll remember all
Your marks and note them in the pages of
My life.

The sun has risen finally a new day
Of red and orange, of white trees and green
Leaves--a winter frosted daze. A surprise awakes.
In the creeping holes new life begins to grow.
I love you.

I call for you to come off the rocks
Of Oxley. I call for you to come.
To find mystery in the newly risen
Phoenix, in me.

To Lovers of the Past -

Forgive me, for I have not forgiven myself.
I've seen your tears, and have held them
On my back. I've carried those knives
For so long. I've been tired, nearly I've
Collapsed, yet I walked on, up mountains
Through valleys and when I came to the
Watery grave of Orleans I picked up more
Sins, the sins of nation, I've held them.
The sins of a people and the sins of the world
I've held them O! Atlas.

I know that there is still hate for me. I
Know this poem won't save our
Lives and I know that the tears
I will shed after this verse is done won't
Make you love me again.
The ashes have cooled. The sins
Are floating in the breeze, in the waters,
And into the forest. They have left me...
This burden has been lifted from my back
And I am happy, I can forgive, I can sleep
The miles have been walked, and I can cry
I feel alive.

Kairos LVI